It’s hard. Reading through the start and end of the previous post. I do believe in fate, but it obviously did not believe in me.
Long story short, the 4 friends I gained in the last year I lost. I lost 3 guys who I spent so much time playing games with and I lost my girlfriend. They aren’t dead or anything, they’re all having great lives as friends and that’s what I wanted for them. Unlike them though, I saw myself as part of it, whereas they didn’t want me to be part of it at all. It’s almost condescending in a way. What they did to me I had been planning to do myself. Delete everything, try and escape the virtual reality of it all and refresh myself. I’d already split up with my long-distance girlfriend because it wasn’t working at all. When it wasn’t working, I would be sharp and at times vicious, and she deserved better. I accepted that as it was, although to say I didn’t struggle with not talking to someone everyday would be a lie. As soon as I reached this point I knew there was an approaching crossroads. I thought that maybe if I played my cards right we’d all choose the same path and co-exist where we could all still be friends. I knew it was probably impossible, but in the end the outcome was just a shock. I gave myself 2 choices. Walk down the road with everyone else, or take my own and close it behind me. Lock myself out thinking that I had a free-pass to turn up to rapturous applause. The other option I gave myself was to just join everyone else and continue as everything already was. Of course the awkwardness between me and Sadie was going to be permanent, but I accepted that it was her over me and just avoided making it an issue. I was arrogant to think that I had those options. The option taken was that I took my road and everyone else took the other. Before I could be the better man and lock myself away I noticed I was already locked away from them. My own stupid plan had been used against me and suddenly I was the one alone with no route back. Disgusted that it would happen to me in any sense, distressed… distraught? I was sick for days thinking that something like that had happened to me. Mad at them, sad for them. Many times on the brink of tears that I’m not afraid to admit it. I was selfish to thinking that the universe revolved around me. Whereas in fact, I was so sucked into the universe that I didn’t realise I was no longer part of it until it was too late.
I’ve been removed from circles of friends before, but not like this. I tried to get back into being friends over games of League but was shunned back at every attempt. My first words when I realised what was happened was that “I accept Defeat”. Maybe the war wasn’t over, but that part of it definitely was. I know they will never read this but to James/Sadie/Mike and Scott, Thank you. That year was one of the best of my life so far. I wish you all the best. You all deserve the best and in the end I didn’t deserve any of you. Maybe I got too involved. In the end I don’t regret any of it, but most of all I’m sorry. I’m out of things to say on this. What’s over is over.
The spiral I went down afterwards led me to where I should have been all long. With the oldest, and currently, only friends I have. As I mentioned in my very first post I wasn’t popular at school at all. When I was depressed I put all this shit on twitter that I was done with the internet friendships I had. No more mumble and no more skype shit to lead me to more pain. They immediately came to me to help. As far as I was aware none of them followed me or even used twitter constantly at the time. To have them at my side during that sort of state really hit me. The best friends I wanted were there all along. I left them by the wayside, ditched them for online friends where I really shouldn’t have. Ditched real life activies and friends for some voices behind a screen that I became dependant on.
To Jake, Carl, Alex, Danny and Brenn, I am also sorry to you. You are all my best friends, the best I could ever had. For a while I didn’t have your backs and didn’t care. I regret not being a better friend to you 5 over the past year and I promise it will never happen again as long as I am a sane man. If I stop being a sane man I plead you help me become one, because without you guys I really am nothing. You guys were friends with me when no-one else was and I would do anything to repay the debt that I owe from depending on you guys. I am forever in that debt to you as a friend.
I wrote this whole post with that terrible feeling in my chest that you can’t quite describe. Not love or hatred, but disappointment that when I read it back this whole post is true. That I’m a terrible person at times and that won’t ever change. I don’t belong in that online world with speedrunning friends and active communities. I belong in the real world with my real friends, surrounded by my fantastic family. That is the only thing I know, that I can 100% say is Love. Something that cannot be replaced. Maybe one day I will learn how to show it to normal people, but not at the sacrifice to who I am. I was at my lowest at New Year, I really was. Somehow I feel great. Mainly because I believe in me. Not only because of the supreme darkness involved if I didn’t, but that its what makes me get up in the morning, along with taking me to bed at night knowing that tomorrow would be great as well. Not through religion or lucky stars, but because I know If I try my hardest to put everyone else before me, I will get there in the end.
Do you believe in fate?
I do. Not in a romantic sense, but that every choice I make has been… pre-determined. Even If I feel like I’ve suddenly changed my mind and gone against destiny, that I haven’t and it’s all planned. Every stupid decision I’ve made in the past 2 years can be resigned to fate. I had no control over that, right? Something has me set on being the person who I am today; sat in a Swedish hotel room, in the middle of nowhere, with better internet than my house. But hey, this wouldn’t be very good at describing years of my life if I decided to skip a few bits every now and then.
In the last post, I was 20. I can obviously, as an idiot, work that out from the title. I have no recollection of what I was up to, only that I was a miserable fucker when I wrote it. It was really long because I was sorting out all 20 years in that one, where as this post will only be 2 with not a lot of focus on either. More of the people in those 2 years that have molded me; I blame you all. Starting off, I obviously had 1 more year of university before any of the interesting stuff happened. I played video games as much as I always did, staying up until 4am and waking up at 1pm. My apologies, 9am wednesday classes, it just wasn’t meant to be. I did my usual effort to scrape by while managing, unintentionally, to space myself from my University friends. I’d love to fix that one day, but the opportunity hasn’t arisen just yet. It mainly arose from my own ego taking over and criticising their group project in a marked situation. Thankfully, I was wrong and I was just a dick. I admitted to them one by one I was sorry and it seemed to save me. Although I don’t think I could have ever been sorry enough if It turned out I was right. I know they harbor shit against me, and I was never fun as someone at Uni who didn’t drink. I apologise to them for that, but like I said: If I get the chance to see them again, I’ll take it for sure. The year went on, I spent 6 months procrastinating about my final year project, then finished it in 2 when one of the people helping me with it threatened to leave me if I didnt do anything. Thanks Karl, you really saved me on that one. I got 67% on my Final Year Project and although I was disappointed in only getting a 2:1 overall, I’d come out of it all without any severe emotional scarring. Great! I said my goodbyes, left Uni and decided to do what I did best. Procrastinate more! I went and joined my parents in China for a month, whilst making a short holiday in Tokyo whilst I was at it, and never really thought about my future. For a guy with some average-ass Motorsport degree the options werent really clear at all. I decided after I got back to apply for all mother of CAD jobs and all that. There was one opportunity that rose at KAB Seating in Northampton, but I actually called in sick to the 2nd interview. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but something just didn’t feel right. It just wasn’t what I wanted. I lied to my parents saying that it was postponed, and I negotiated a new date after christmas so that I could get my mind in shape. 2014 was going to be my Year and I couldn’t… no… I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from me. All the while there was something that had been locked away, seemingly impossible to me, that was slowly rising to something bigger. Once again, something to go over later. The job section dried up from the start of January (I was never contacted by KAB after the 2nd interview. Rude, but for the best.) until I was contacted by an agency to have an interview at Kongsberg Automotive. The common factor here, is that it was another seating company, based more around the seat support systems (think Massage) and other areas of car interior. At first I wasn’t keen, like with KAB, but at the time of writing this I’ve worked there for over 7 months. I can honestly say I enjoy it a lot. Part of me being in Sweden now is that they’re sending me around places to meet all sorts of people and do business. I love business in itself, so I don’t mind the travelling. I feel bad for my mum who’s had over 10 years of my Dad travelling many, many times a year and now I’m off doing it as well. I’m off to Poland next week to shout at some people as well, so I guess nothing ever changes…
On a personal level, Id say after Uni I was just about Saiyan. When I couldn’t get a job I was as good as Krillin. Useless and a waste. With getting the job I was just about Saiyan, again. So thats the whole last 2 years in my life pretty much. Boring and not much to say really. However, with every good story, there is a plot twist. With every good plot twist, there is the Girl.
I have no idea how far this goes back. Somewhere between finishing Uni and going to China. I should know more specifically, but I actually cant for the life of me pinpoint it at all. Something that evolves from a mutual knowledge of each other, to big group skype, to small group skype, to 1 on 1 skype, to whatsapp… to a relationship. I couldn’t have done it by myself, so somebody pushed me in the end. Without that I would’ve kept it all bottled and eventually exploded. Anyway, it happened like any other relationship does. I was coy to most of the facts, as I’m an idiot, but it seems like it was mutual for months. I had a moment of weakness and admitted all my feelings for her in what can only be described as one of the longest love notes and skype messages anyone has ever seen. The only problem, is that I never actually asked her to be my girlfriend in any of it. Which, as she told me, was why we were in this state for so long. If I had asked her then, the answer would’ve been yes. But you don’t know the answers to questions nobody asks, so I just assumed as it were that she had agreed to still be my friend. It’s basically what I asked, so I was happy that she still wanted to be my friend even though I felt how I did. Now you can see why I’m the idiot. I’m gonna quicken this post up a bit because I have to be up earlier to check out. I always write without going back so blame me later for rushing from now on. This whole situation went on for a few months, wholly obvlious that she felt the same way (and was kind of confused at me saying what I said and not wanting to make a go of it) until one of my friends got so pissed off at all the pussy footing around that he told me. This is where I go Super Saiyan, and I immediately ask her out. Although sadly, I was a day late, someone else had beat me to the punch. I wasn’t distraught at the situation; because as long as she was happy, so was I. I never wished anything ill of it and I was her friend as much as I could. Eventually she became single and I asked her again. This time she said yes. Super Saiyan 4. Swiftly followed by the 2 best months of my life. I can’t possibly describe how I felt for that time, it wasn’t love or anything like that and it still isnt now, but it made me so happy that I felt like nothing could stop me. Of course, if you read the other post before this one, from 2 years ago. The only person who can ever stop me is myself. After those 2 months were up, we became real people again. While nothing changed for me, she had to go back to school and classes. I got so caught up in my own life being a constant day of 9 hours work that I was oblivious to the World changing around me. The burning emotion that I’d been letting out for 2 months straight in happiness became a drought on the real world. When It dried up, I began to crave for what I once had like some sort of addict. I am not a man that can run by himself. I need the fuel from people around me to keep me going. Eventually, It felt to me like the fuel had ran out, and there was nothing. I had sleepness nights. Maybe this isn’t just school and maybe she realised she doesn’t want to be with me after all? All these thoughts running through the mind of some sort of broken man, cold turkey on emotion and feeling. I went through all sorts of ideas like… there was someone else or that she just didnt want to dump me and was waiting for a point. Heck I don’t know, I thought of every bad scenario and made it feasible in the situation. I even confronted her a few times about it. She reminded me that everything was OK and that she detested me for thinking such things. Our relationship goes on, over the back and forth in my mind that makes me the pathetic person right now, not talking to her this week because I felt abandoned and that she can have a week without worrying to talk to me every day. I made it seem in the message like I was some sort of bother and pain to her. That I wasn’t good enough. I still dont think I am, but in the short time I’ve taken away I realised I am only damaging the situation further. I expect her to hate me a little more than she already did, but I am a massive negativity on her life that maybe she could do without. Even after that, I realised that I didnt need a week away from her, she didnt need a week away from me. I need a week away from myself, away from the negativity. She’s doing the best she can to juggle everything and here I am, moaning and bitching like a dickhead that I don’t get her when I want to. I have the relationship mentality of a child. I suppose when I think about it. Over the past 2 months I have been awful to her and nothing less. I haven’t appreciated all that she does and still finds those few minutes to talk to me every day. On the days she cant, she always explains why and with good reason. In overview, I am in awe at my own pathetic tendancies. I can’t for one believe that I acted for so long without taking the time to read the full picture. I will go back to her at the end of the week and maybe everything will be okay, because If its not its only me to blame. I can stand back these days and see it for what it really is. In all this time, she has not said anything bad to me at all. She’s always been nice and understanding to what I say and yet every month I take some time out to be selfish and throw it back in her face. Even this week started off with that, and I regret every word I said. I seem hell bent on destruction of one of the best parts of my life. From now on though, this comes to an end. The part of me here that says those things cant act so rash. If I just took those extra 5 minutes to stand back and appreciate that she’s been by my side the entire time, I would be smiling. Just like I smile even now, 5 months later, every time I remember were together. Together if not in love, if not in arms, if not in voice. But together that when It came to that point, after the time of knowing each other, we chose to be what we are now. I know I have no self confidence, I know I am actually a horrible person at times. I have never been more sorry at everything than I am right now. I finally see it clearly, and I know how it must go. Do I believe in fate? No, I’m just an idiot.
But I dont have to believe in myself, when I believe in the Girl that believes in me.
It’s unusual for someone else to say your life is boring. Sat in front of a computer all day playing video games doesn’t sound boring to me but that’s because it mean’t more of my life 6 years ago than it does now. 6 years is a long time. Considering I’ve only in the last month or so turned 20 and surpassed the fact that I was pretty sure my stupidity would kill me before that age, It’s taking what’s happened in it’s stride that really makes you think, writing it down is how I’m doing just that. My first 20 years in a blog post, fancy that?
A few years ago the primary school I attended was on the brink of closure due to the fact that there simply wasn’t enough kids in the area for it to sustain itself. Men in suits were dragged in and thankfully it’s still open, although I can’t imagine how they did that. Did they ship in more children? God knows. My primary school life was something that probably hindered me more than helped me, considering when you only have about 5 or 6 friends in your whole year you begin to see yourself as more than you actually are. My brother and sister
were are both smart people, so I see myself as the third film in the trilogy of being Mannion. (I’d prefer to be Return of the King, if I was able to pick and choose.) At that age I was blissfully unaware of what was expected of me, all I remember was being promised money on behalf of grades. Some sort of malevolent scheme so I would get what I always wanted, money good grades. Although that’s where life really started. When your in that group of 7 and you think of yourself the smartest the realisation when you go to a school, where your form is the same size of your whole primary school, that you’re merely average can knock you down a few pegs. Yes, I count myself as caring about that shit at 11 years old. So that’s stage 1, going from a self proclaimed smart student to being the average Joe, which didn’t help because I bundled myself with the smart kids before I knew I was stupid. Fuck.
The next 3 years we’re boring, despite being the average student I just got on with it like the lazy person I
was am. I can remember my dad getting me to sit on the floor and read a maths revision guide, only for me to simply sit behind it playing Pokemon on a Gameboy, wiggling my eyes every now and then so It looked like I was actually reading. There was this 1 guy who sat next to me in English for 2 years that bullied me, whom I recently found on Facebook to make signs for a living. If he ever tries to talk to me he will be on the receiving end of having one shoved up his arse. Although the purpose of this post isn’t to bitch about people I perceived to have bullied me, It would probably never be published as I would still be writing it now. Not that I’m saying I was viciously bullied within an inch of sanity but that simply, “I had my fair share of the shit going round”.
Cue the 6 years ago mark, my friends from secondary school all ended up in different forms and as the new school was a 1500 capacity one they were shipped off to the smart classes and I stayed in average. Then things started on the road to what they are now. A kid the same age of me who’s mum worked with my mum happened to appear on the same bus route and he became the person I hung round with all the time. Thankfully he was popular enough so that I could become friends with his friends without my reputation coming back to haunt me. You see, apart from being the average student with the massive ego, my appearance was not something I had learn’t to care about. I barely washed my hair and when I did I didn’t do it properly and it was long and often sticking all over the place, this was something I didn’t sort out until the start of year 12. 16 years old and unwashed hair was a bad reputation, not to mention some… other things. This is where I learn’t about addiction, something that isn’t supposed to be a practical lesson. I’ve always been a gamer and while I was always up to date with my studies I feel like my GCSE’s were my last years where natural intellect could get me through. Therefore spending the hours in between getting home from school and sleep playing World of Warcraft didn’t rear their head until a couple of years later, something of which I will go into a lot of detail. This is the point where the shit really hit the fan. I spent my GCSE’s in school and online, leading a double life. I blame this on the fact as that being an unpopular person the idea of knowing people on the internet that were funny and interesting let me to yearn them more than the close friends around me at school. So I became a recluse and eventually became known in my group of friends as a part timer. I was there for all the school shit but all the fun they had outside of school I was nowhere to be seen. I blame that on the fact I was never invited to these so called “Camp-outs” and other events, but why should they want to invite me? I was simply that part time kid with greasy hair and bad teeth that was lucky to have known the tall one before he had his reputation. At that point I wouldn’t have invited myself either. This continued through until the summer of 2008 when It came round to picking A-Levels and this is where it gets miserable. My World of Warcraft life had taken a turn for the more competitive. As someone who spent so much time on the game I’d become overly average at gaming rather than learning, leading me to start playing the game competitively. Instead of casually playing the game in between school and sleep I played the game seriously for the whole summer, which once again ruined my chances of being sociable. This also made me even more of a recluse to my parents who were obviously pissed off to the max that their difficult 3rd album was wasting away playing video games all the time, with my failed attempt at learning to play the guitar sentiment while sitting in its frame in the living room at the time. Then came the start of my A-Levels.
Ego right on target, I chose Maths and Physics as 2 of my subjects. Fucking fuck tard shit balls why did I do that?! Average student couldn’t have fucked himself over much more than that. Looking back on It I always hoped people would slap some sense into me, but my ego couldn’t take the fact that the smart kid in primary school would ever fail. Speaking of which, my ego was even dropping me friends on the internet. I eventually left the competitive side of the game and reverted back to using it as my only social activites with the same people as the last 2 years. This wasn’t helped by the fact that I wasn’t on the same schedule as my school friends. Leaving me at times running across the school just to try and meet up with them and
follow go wherever they went. In the first few months though I’d got my act together with my image (which I can give thanks to the fact we had our bathroom redone and instead of a bath now had a shower, oh wow how much easier that made things…) up to the point where my maths teacher pointed it out to the whole class like the 16 year old finally learning how to wash his hair properly was deserved of some sort of award? Looking back on it he was an arse as well, although my ego at the time took it as the best compliment of all time. I had been clouded to the problem with my grades and the year ended simply showing signs behind the scenes of what the Queen would call an “Annus Horribilis”. (I only know that term because I read it on wikipedia, coincidentally the Queen’s Annus Horribils is 1992 which is the year I was born. Coincidentally…)
First off, the following year was no one else’s fault but my own. In January It turned out I’d failed all my exams with the highlight a year low of 12/100 in the maths exam, leaving me immediately kicked off the course. As they had decided to keep me at the school rather than kicking me out all together and wasting a year of my life, along with the eternal disownment of my parents I had to continue on with physics and business classes that I also failed. After this I had a rather private mental breakdown. I was a failure to everyone and I can say most importantly my father. He is the hardest working person I know and I can only hope that one day I can develop 1% of the effort he puts into his life and I will be a success, that’s how much I think of him. I then flipped my whole life which was upside down the right way up, if not on stabilizers. Warcraft was out the window, I said goodbye to those that still liked me and I never spoke to them again. I started working, if only on the business side of things. I had already spoke in February about taking up an AS level in year 13 if I failed Physics, which I actually planned to fail. Do enough work to not get kicked out of school and bias my revision schedule so that business was bound to succeed. For reference however, I actually failed the first business exam again but managed to get a good grade in both my Design and 2nd Business exams to stay on. I’d love to say that I successfully failed Physics, but I almost passed one of the exams and that would have been so embarrassing. So maybe my bad year on extended to the first 7 months, but I count failing my driving theory test before Christmas one of my worst moments and that stretches it from January to December, yet once again I only blame myself. Backtracking slightly, I wasn’t totally back on track because the AS I picked up was ICT, which I expected to ace without needing effort. Leaving me in the end with not only being ripped down by actually doing ICT as an A level but the fact that despite my love of computers, my lack of effort got me a D grade in the end. Like I said, all I want is that 1%…
On the warpath I manage to keep the fail-streak all the way through the A Levels with only my own saving grace keeping me in the game. I failed the 1st business exam AGAIN, before getting a decent grade at the 3rd attempt. I also failed my Woodwork coursework with only an A in the written exam saving me from missing out on the university place. Speaking of which, I applied to the University of Hertfordshire (for which I am entering my final year of Motorsport Technology, a subject NONE of my A Levels have helped with whatsoever) without going to an open day, along with the Sheffield Hallam second choice for which I didn’t go for an open day simply because I couldn’t be arsed to. That attitude and laziness… aren’t I lucky. Eventually after all my exams I got up on results day to check the UCAS website a whole 5 hours before I was scheduled to pick up my detailed results.
Rejection from Herts.
Rejection from Sheffield Hallam.
Cue 5 hours of borderline suicidal tendencies of extreme anger at myself and embarrassment of once again failing everyone and most importantly my father. Rumour has it that my dad spent those 5 hours tried to get me a job on the shop floor at the place he worked, he will say that he always had faith and that what happened when I picked up my results was always my true ability. I guess there’s someone out there to thank for that, but that’s another thing I don’t talk to others about. 5 hours into the worst day of my life, I actually pulled myself together to pick up my results from the school and boy will most people not believe this. I’d actually done better than I needed to. Now imagine me channelling all the rage and sadness into just rage, and all directed at some useless person at UCAS not being able to count up the points tally for the most important exams in any persons life. Many people say they’ve never seen me truly angry. Those people obviously didn’t hear from me on that day. I will say however that I dedicate my University course to the person who convinced me to do a little course called Extended Project which was a 5000 word essay worth an AS Level. The work put into that single handedly pushed me over the tally to qualify on my course. Secret weapons and all that.
That was the last really bad thing that’s happened to me over the past 2 years. Although certain people who I looked up to aren’t around any more I’ve kept in contact with friends from home and made a bundle more at University. A place where no one gives a shit who you were before, only who you are now. My lazy side still exists, however I’m smart enough now to know what counts and when to put in the effort needed. In all I guess I’m once again leading 2 lives. My home life and my University life, 2 groups of friends and people I’ll never forget. In a few weeks I’m moving into a house with 4 great friends on my course and it WILL be amazing. I’ve smartened up by dressing more sensibly and having a more grown up hair style (mainly because someone pointed at my hair and said it was “Justin Bieber like” /shudder) This summer has been a culmination of things I expected to happen. My dad followed an ambition and now lives with my mother in China, where he now works. His contract is for 3 years and I hope that when he comes back he will see me as a graduate working in my profession, following my dreams with a part of the effort and work that he has put in over the years. I’ve put my mum through enough as she’s usually been there first hand to watch me crumble at times, and again I hope she will see me when they both come back in 3 years. When they’ve been away I couldn’t wish for a better brother or sister because compared to them there’s no better than them.
This is no ode to life like I’ve completed everything like a video game. This is a statement to say that this is what I’ve done so far and to those that doubted me like I know you did. There are some who crumbled like me and never made it back. Those who continued to berate me I can only say: I’m not that shitty failure of a child that never wanted to grow up and never looked like much in the future. I’m better, stronger and nothing can stop me now. Oh, apart from the fact I’ve not passed my driving test yet. I’ll get round to that…